25 Apr “Two up” – it’s a recipe for disaster in any relationship
Yesterday in Australia we commemorated ANZAC Day. We honoured all the service men and women who have fought for our country in various wars since federation by attending a service. Many traditionally followed that up with a few beers and a game of two-up (a usually illegal game where coins are tossed and the outcome of heads or tails bet upon).
But the “two up” I am referring to in this blog is about an unconscious recipe for conflict in personal and professional relationships.
The sacrifice and service our servicemen and woman have given, have helped to create and defend the beautiful country we enjoy today.
It would be nice to think that what they have done has brought ultimate peace. While it’s true we have not experienced a war to the magnitude of WW2, the end of the 1900s and beginning of this century have still been marred by battles.
With the current Middle East conflicts, the almost cold war posturing of Putin and Trump, and the unpredictable Kim Jong-Un, it seems that it is part of the human condition to be in conflict.
But closer to home, in your family, close relationships, or the workplace, it is possible to get better at the art of diplomacy. While international diplomats are having a tough time, you can avoid or minimise conflict in your own sphere.
The international best-seller Emotional Judo®: Communication Skills to Handle Difficult Conversations and Boost Emotional Intelligence, provides ten tools to help manage the emotional space between people when stakes are high in important conversations.
Even though using a martial art in the title may lead you to think of conflict, judo in Japanese means “the gentle way”. And, just like a martial artist grows in confidence and composure as they learn the skills, a person who learns the skills of Emotional Judo® can do the same. The tools are memorable and easy to follow, so they can be available to you when you need to deploy them.
One of the most important keys to defusing conflict is understanding the human need for significance and the process of positioning.
Diplomats know this; it is at the heart of diplomacy.
If you place your significance over another, with a need to dominate and control, and have no consideration for the other’s sense of significance, the usual outcome is either escalation of conflict, or being met with passive-aggressive resistance. Now we have the seeds of a battle.
“Two up” (both people battling for the greatest significance) is a recipe for disaster.
It seems so obvious, yet when emotion enters a conversation and there is a high degree of importance to each party, it is amazing to see how often the above dynamic happens unconsciously. It is age old but rarely considered.
It happens at the macro level between countries, and it happens at micro-levels between individuals.
In Emotional Judo® we demonstrate these dynamics through the analogy of four judo mats placed on a floor. Where you position yourself, or are positioned by others will determine how much significance you get in the interaction.
Maintaining a sense of significance that does not dominate yet is still in a position to influence outcomes, is crucial to avoiding conflict and achieving your objective.
If avoiding conflict in the workplace or your personal life is important to you, grab the eBook on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com.au/Emotional-Judo-Communication-Conversations-Intelligence-ebook/dp/B07BJ7X3KL . You can read it on any device.
Maybe if more people knew about this we might have less wars.